Soliloquy
by Neemers
Summary: Musings on parents and sons.
1. Default Chapter

Soliloquy  
  
By Neemers  
  
Disclaimer: None of the characters are mine.  
  
Doesn't he realize that I'm doing all that I do for him? I love him, but I can never say a word. I've loved him since the minute he was born, yet I've been denied even the ability to tell him that. After he was born, after I ran from my husband, the count, I thought I knew a safe place for us. Eric cared for the different. I thought that he would keep us safe, protect my child. But he didn't. When I found my dear little boy strapped down to that table...I'll never be able to get that image out of my head. I still have nightmares about that. Nightmares about running from Eric, with my dear little boy in my arms. I never even had the chance to give him a name. I wanted to wait, to get it just right. I remember running onto that awful, swaying bridge. I remember running from the wolves, and losing my grip on my son. What kind of mother am I, to lose my grip on my baby boy and drop him into the raging river? I still have nightmares about that every night. I tried everything to take the dreams away.  
  
Sleeping pills, vodka, heroin, nothing worked. They just trapped me in my dreams. That's the real reason I'm not a raging alcoholic. I don't want to be trapped in those dreams.  
  
I found out later that he was still alive. My beautiful boy was still alive. He's the only one of my children that looks at all like me. Maybe that's a good thing. The others can pass. They can pass for normal. I love him the most of all my children. Is it because he looks like me? Am I a bad mother because of that? I know I'm a bad mother. I just do the best I can for him.  
  
I will never forget that horrid day Eric found out that my little boy was still alive. That's the day I made a deal with the devil. I would serve Eric to the end of my days if he left my son alone. I wish I could tell my son why I fight him. I hate this place, but as long as I'm here, he's free. I love him that much.  
  
Then came the day that I started to rebel against Eric. It's not because I want his power, though that's what I want everyone to think. No, I won't show the world my hand just yet. What I really want is my freedom. I want to go to my son. The X-men are wrong, but there are so many times I consider going to fight alongside them, just to be near my children. But I can't. I won't be that selfish. I don't fight against them. I fight for them, to keep them safe. War is coming, and I will protect my children.  
  
Even when I blew up the mansion, it was for them. I didn't think the lower levels would be found. If people saw them as the victims, maybe they would be safe for a time. Can't my son, my little girl, see that everything I do is for them? I just want to keep them safe. I love them. They hate me. Am I a bad mother? 


	2. Kurt

It's my A-day tomorrow. I should be happy, excited, looking foward to all the attention from friends and family. But I'm not. Right now all I can think of is my mothers. There is the one who gave me life, and the one who did everything after that. When I think of my mother, I think of Raven. When I think of my momma, I think of Astrid. Is this strange? Does anyone else have these problems? I love my momma more than life itself, but I still wonder what life would have been like with my mother.  
  
Am I a bad son? Am I a bad son for not going to my mother? Am I a bad son for thinking about going to my mother? I'm just so mixed up. I love them both, and I know they both love me. Momma is obvious. The presents and hugs and "I love you"'s make it obvious. Mother is less obvious. If I hadn't been forced to spend most of my life watching from afar I would have never seen it. But I see the softness in her eyes when she doesn't think I see her watching me, the tenseness every time someone comes near me in a fight. I saw that instant where it looked like someone was tearing her heart out when she was denied her chance to tell me the truth. The night the Brotherhood finally cut the last ties between us. Sometimes, when the mutant hunters come, I wish they would manage to catch the two of us. Just us. Then we could talk until my friends came to get me out. I know they hate her. I know they think I hate her. But I can't. She's my mother. Sometimes I find I think of her more than my momma. Am I a bad son?  
  
I know she'll always be there for me, that none will ever try to tear her away from me. She is safety. She is love. Even now when I get hurt she's the one I want. I love my momma. I love my mother. Who should I love most? I don't know. Am I a bad son?  
  
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